Sometimes life gets in the way of what we want or who we are at our core. That's where I am right now. I work two jobs, one that I love that doesn't pay well at all, and one that pays relatively well but is very stressful and makes me want to cry while I'm getting ready to go in.
At the moment, I am feeling lost and overwhelmed and have been letting some of the most basic things in my life that bring me joy fall to the wayside. Yes, I am aware that isn't a good thing, but that's how I am when I feel stuck. I feel as though I am always living in my fight,flight or freeze response and when that happens, my immune system will go to shit and I'll catch everything in the world as my body's way of telling me to rest. Last week it was the new Covid variant. Today I go back to work at the hospital and I am already having to calm myself down because I am stressed out and angry about it. It's not that I don't like the work, I do, and I'm pretty ok at it, but I also know that I am an outcast there.
It feels like I've always been an outcast because of what I believe and how I view the world at large. My curiosity and desire to understand things has also led me to being considered weird by those around me, and I often have to remind myself that there are a lot of people around me who choose to not be that way and even though I know that their path is totally different than mine, it baffles me just how little curiosity and desire to learn there is around me. Case in point: several weeks ago Stonehenge was defaced with orange paint by protestors and I mentioned it at work. Three people knew what Stonehenge was. Three out of 20 people knew about the most famous megalithic structure in the world. How does that happen??
So last week, while I was out, I came to the conclusion that maybe I should just embrace the idea that I'm weird, fully embrace it and let it be. I'm a witch, and a pagan and I'm beloved of my ancestors and gods, right? So instead of always wishing I had more friends or fit in better than I do, maybe I should just let myself be who I am at my core. Maybe then I will rediscover my joy, my passion. Maybe I will even find my tribe!
All of that being said, I am trying to get myself together and I promise I will be much better at posting here, so I hope you'll come along for the ride!
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